Contentment

*This blog was written in 2020 about my experiences that year.

---

I’m realizing more and more that I have an issue in the area of contentment...the very thing I did a Facebook live on two yrs ago. The very thing I seemed to have mastered back them. Welp, I’m back down to beginner level in the here and now 🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m realizing that my contentment is based on my comfort level NOT God, NOT who He is, and NOT me being His creation who was for this purpose....

So everytime something shifts even slightly, I get uncomfortable.

I internally cry out, “why me?”

“Why do things keep happening?”

You see, I finally settled into the uncomfortableness He called me to, I finally surrendered “it” to Him, I finally came to terms with “it”and BOOM 🤜 💥 here comes another blow knocking me off my feet.

I just caught my balance and sometimes not even that. Sometimes...well more often than not, I’m still grappling with woes of the last blow. Still trying to wrap my head around it and surrender it. Honestly sometimes still trying to process the grief of that thang...because life doesn’t always look like I imagined...shoot it hardly ever does! Life seems too hard sometimes and I look around and wonder, why me Lord?! Why do they get the house, car, kids, and a dog....and I get the van, near misses, and just enough...

Why do I have to depend on you Lord for my everything, and I do mean everything. It’s one thing to read about it in your word, or to sing about it in worship...but it’s an entirely different thing to rely upon you for a safe place to sleep at night, or food to eat. To rely on the obedience of others inorder to get from point a to point b. I know some of this is my own fault, I’ve messed over money and I’d be lying if I said I’ve executed in the way I should have in my business...I truly believe it would look far different if I had . 🙇🏽‍♀️

As long as my contentment is based on things and circumstances, I will forever have my hope dashed. There will be this endless back and forth of crashing waves 🌊 coming back to shore to tear down what I’ve built my hope on. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that Life is ever changing...I can’t stake my hope and subsequently my contentment on that...it’ll always be something else I want or desire for my life, someone will always have a “better” one than me if it’s based on circumstancial things.

My hope MUST be rooted in God.

This year has truly been a ripping away of comfort and even what I’ve built my faith on. There have been times I didn’t know if I would make it, times things just didn’t even make sense, and times I wanted to walk away from the faith...

Through it all, I can see God revealing idols in my life, ripping off the bandaids that only served to conceal infectious beliefs, and overall leading me to Himself. Calling me to repentance, acceptance, surrender, and ultimately a deeper relationship with Him. Calling me to not just step out on the waters but to rebuild the foundation that I’m stepping out from....to build it on His truth, even when it hurts. Man, He’s really been deconstructing my core beliefs and calling me to allow Him to teach me about Himself and not just when the waves are rocky or vicious but to do the work at all times even in “good” times.

Lesson from 2020: Time to tear down the rest of this foundation, lean into the discomfort and trust Him to provide the foundational bricks I need.

See y’all in 2021! May God be with you and may you allow Him to reveal the ugly truth even when it hurts!

Love y’all!