Setting the Groundwork for Forgiveness

As some of you know my husband and I are doing a fast. I'll tell you more about it and our reasons for it, in a later post. I promise!

Today we're talking about boundaries. You're probably like,

" Hey wait, why did you even mention the fast? How the heck does it relate to boundaries?"

Well, this is just one of the many things God is revealing to me during our fast.

I need to set clear boundaries & enforce them!

Seems easy right? I mean we all know how to say "no". But what about when others cross that imaginary line and...

"go too far"

"speak on things they have no right to" "trample on your convictions"

What do we do in those instances? Well, me....I go into defensive mode to protect myself from the hurt, frustration, and sometimes even the embarrassment. What do I mean by defensive mode...pretty much any of the following and sometimes a combination:

1. completely shutdown

2. become verbally violent

3. pretend nothing's wrong

4. stuff my feelings down and go numb

5. retaliate...in my mind ( still wrong though)

6. build walls and rules to protect myself from that person and others like them

None of which are conducive to having healthy relationships with others and worst of all they allow no room for

grace & forgiveness

Now don't get me wrong, of course I extend grace and forgiveness to others...eventually. In some cases...I mean if they don't cross that line of course....

During this fast God is revealing why I feel so much angst especially when "it" happens a second and third time. He's showing me why it's so hard for me to forgive others.

I've been setting myself up for failure!

I've been expecting others to set boundaries for me! Instead of letting them know where that line is and enforcing it, I'm expecting them to create one based upon my reaction..or nonreaction....

God is showing me just how much my way of dealing with things isn't working and in fact has only layed the groundwork for unforgiveness and inner turmoil.

How can you forgive the repeat offenses when the last one is still buried within you?

How can you forgive when "they" make you experience such intense pain, frustration, and embarrassment?

That's just it, you don't!

When we make others responsible for our actions, reactions, and emotions overall...there's no way to separate the offense from what rises within us. But the thing is, we are the only one responsible for our emotions. Asking others to bear that burden is not only unfair but it's impossible! They aren't us, they haven't experienced what we have To understand why these things trigger us!

I am beyond grateful to God for revealing this to me! I mean y'all just don't know how many times I've prayed asking why it's so hard for me to forgive! Now that I have he answer ( and it's none of the things I thought it was ) I have to do better. And if you are anything like me, I hope that you will do better too!

What does better look like?

1. Giving our offense, hurt, and embarrassment over to God in the moment it happens....And releasing that person to God!

2. Asking God for wisdom as to what requires a boundary vs needs healing!

And giving those areas over to him!

3. Having those uncomfortable conversations to establish clear boundaries, when we are clear headed and can articulate the boundary NOT just the offense!

4. Having those uncomfortable conversations to enforce boundaries. As well as going to God in prayer asking for his strategy in how to handle "this" specific situation.

That's not all either! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to establish CLEAR boundaries. I thought I was setting boundaries by taking the time to talk about it and try to convince them why I had the right to be offended, hurt, etc. But what I've learned

is that they don't have to validate my feelings....a boundary can be set whether they understand or agree that my feelings are valid! 🙌🏾

And that's one of the many topics we'll be discussing in this blog, as you join me as I travel this journey with of life with God.

Until then, I encourage you to take the first step towards breaking those cycles of unforgiveness.

Forgiveness is more for us then it is for them!